Kidnapped by Elves

These elves kidnapped me last night and forced me to make over three hundred toy soldiers with a baby saw.

I was taking a walk by the lake near my house. The air was crisp and cool…freezing I would say. I heard the sound of crying coming from a pile of sticks and leaves. I stretched my neck and noticed a small man was down. He had fallen. I am compassionate. I picked him up in a cradling fashion. He smiled, winked, then clapped his hands.

I came to in a groggy clouded state of mind. It smelt of candy canes and cheer. I heard the murmur of tiny high pitched voices. “Look it’s a girl”, I heard on say. “Here hair is beautiful”, “She is the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen”, a third one chimed in. After thanking them and telling them they were right, I asked where the Heck was I? “The North Pole, of course”, the lead elf said. I knew he was the main elf because he had gold badges of merit along his collar [in size order] and an ornament attached to his beard that dragged along the floor. That fits the description of the main elf to a T according to my encyclopedia on elfatry.”Your beard is really long”, I said before passing out again.

I came to in a groggy clouded state of mind. I was in the work room now. There was a baby saw [3 inches long] taped to the palm of my hand. All the elves paused what they were doing and stared at me. I still couldn’t tell if they were evil. The main elf with the beard waddled toward me. He pointed to a pile of wood. “Use that saw to make toy soldiers”. I looked at my watch. Glee wasn’t starting for another three hours. I agreed to help with the toy soldiers.

2 hours, 300 Toy soldiers, and a new friend named “Little Boy Blue” later, I knew I needed to leave. I tried to tiptoe out of the room. I whistled to look like I was just another average joe, and not a 5 foot 7 human trying to sneak out. The elves began to dance. They love whistling. I should have remembered that from all that I have read up on the little guys. Another half hour passed before the dance party died down. Amazingly, the elves formed into a mosh pit and raised me above their heads. “I’m going to hurt you”, I screamed, trying to warn them that I weighed too much for them to hold. They didn’t listen. They dropped me on my head. I crushed the main elf’s foot and the heart of Little Boy Blue. I didn’t crush his actual heart, but his metaphorical one.

This is the moment Santa walked in holding a pudding pie. He was mad. He said, “What in elf-nation is going on here?” He threw the pudding pie on the ground on the ground.
“It’s not what it looks like”, the main elf with the ornamented beard said. “Start break dancing”, he whispered in my ear. I spun on my head. I spun with all that was in me. I had a bump on my head that was throbbing. Within the first spin, I kicked and knocked out about ten little elves. I forgot how big I was. I forgot how small they were. I was a monster.

The only option I had left was to jump out the window, steal Santa’s sleigh, and fly home. I made it out the window but was arrested by Public Safety and charged with 200 hours of elf community service [which is twice as hard as human community service]. I also had to write each elf I knocked out a letter of apology. A black car drove me back to the lake by my house. I missed Glee and forgot to DVR it.

When I was laying in bed that night, I saw something rustling in my bag. Little Boy Blue emerged from my purse holding 2 pieces of pudding pie. “I salvaged what was left of the pie.” I gave him a little high five. “You really are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen”.
“I know I am LBB. I know I am”.

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0 thoughts on “Kidnapped by Elves

  1. Clearly, you didn’t watch the right old movies as a kid. If I’d been kidnapped by these elves and put to work making wooden soldiers, I wouldn’t’ve made 300 that were 1 foot tall. Instead, I would’ve made 50 that were 6 feet tall, then gotten the heck out of dodge while they marched on my elf captors.

  2. lol…this has to be one of the most random posts I have ever read…cracked me up. The only disturbing thing is that this actually happened to a friend of mine only he was walking near a river not a lake

    1. That’s so bizarre. When I was writing this, I almost wrote that I was walking by a river. Either I’m psychic or you’re psychic or we’re both psychic and should open a psychic store that would double as a fitness museum.

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