It was just after 3:45pm on Monday afternoon, the first day of the work week, when I swiveled around in the chair in my cubicle. I was there working. I’m a Production Assistant at a television corporation in New York City. “Can I interview you for my blog?” I called to my cubicle-mate Jenny who sits 15 feet diagonally away from me. Back-turned, looking at her computer, she said, “Sure.”
This is Jenny. In real life there is only 1 of her. In the virtual world of photoshop, there are three.
The first set of interview questions were sent to Jenny, who works in our post-production facility, via email. I did not want to portray myself to her as a burden. Therefore, I made the subject of the email, “to get you started…do what you can…we can finish tomorrow”. The less pressure I put on Jenny, the more she would like me at the end of the day.
Twelve minutes later: I saw a new email in my inbox. Jenny’s responses. I had a sense of suspicion because she completed them so quickly. I skimmed through her answers. Not only were they written in Old English, but they were voiced in the character of “Tiny Tim” from Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. I wasn’t sure why she did this. I swiveled around in my chair. “Actually, would you mind answering these questions in your own voice, as yourself?” I asked. “Ohhh ok,” she said. “I wasn’t sure if you wanted my voice of Tiny Tim’s, so I chose Tiny Tim’s.”
“That’s bizarre,” I thought.
Below are Jenny’s own-voiced answers. The questions and my responses are in bolded font. Check them out!
B: How are you doing at the moment?
J: I’m doing as well as expected for a Monday.
B: Great.
B: Describe the shoes you are wearing in three words.
J: Toe cleavage, suede, fringe.
B: Sexay.
B: Where were you born? What is the first memory you have of the place you were born in?
J: Chicago, IL at St. Joseph’s hospital on Lake Shore Dr. during a snowstorm. I don’t have memories dating that far back.
B: I think you may have misunderstood the question. I don’t mean memories from the actual hospital, I mean childhood memories from Chicago. Moving on.
B: What was your first tax-paying job? Are you still friends with any of your co-workers? What was the first name of your boss?
J: At 15, I worked at the Discovery Zone, which was similar to Chuck E. Cheese, but half as cool.
B: I know what Discovery Zone is.
J: I was the jungle gym supervisor, a position that entailed cleaning up kid’s accidents – it was so exciting too since we were rewarded with packets of lemonade, which made me love my humorless bosses – the cheapest couple, ever. Instead of giving their employees leftover food from the concession stands, they would throw it away.
B: That’s horrible. All that food gone to waste.
J: They were ass*****. I am not friends with them nor any of my former co-workers.
B: Please refrain from cursing in my blog.
B: Have you ever saw a Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen video? If so, recall for us which one and what it was about. If not, would you rather have the name Mary Kate, or Ashley?
J: I’ve only seen “Pizza Party” in slow-mo.
B: For eternity, would you rather watch a stream of Harry Potter movies? Or Twilight movies?
J: I have never seen a Harry Potter movie nor have I read any of the books so by default I would say Twilight movies – Also , the creepy older lady in me finds Robert Pattinson attractive. Go team Edward!
B: I’m Team Edward too. By the way, does the creepy older lady in you talk to you and tell you to sabotage things?
J: No comment.
B: Have you ever won any kind of contest? If so, what did you win and what did you have to do to win it?
J: The first contest I ever won was when I was 11. B96 – a popular Top 40 station was giving away tickets to see Timmy T/Gerardo (Rico Suave)/Kathy Dennis at the Park West in Chicago. All I had to do was be speedy fingers and dial the station to be the 9th caller.
B: Congratulations.
J: Thanks.
B: Did anything in your life ever run out of batteries when you needed it the most? How did you accommodate?
J: N/A
B: Ok, Then.
B: Give us a description of any dream you’ve ever had.
J: I never remember dreams, I forget them 30 min to an hour after I wake up. I suppose the only thing I can say about my dreams is that I can NEVER run and food tastes like chemicals.
B: Interesting.
B: What is your opinion about the tourists in Times Square?
J: Most of the time, I want to cut them all, then I do a 180 and remind myself that these people are super psyched to be in NYC and they’ve traveled here to see the awesomeness that I see, every day. Though sometimes I really want to yell out:
2. Don’t stop in the middle of the f*****g sidewalk.
3. Step aside if you are going to look at the signs.
4. GET OUT OF THE WAY!
5. It’s JUST a naked fucking cowboy.
6. MOVE!I realize I am being redundant, but I don’t care. I want to get my point across.
B: If you could pick one person in your cubicle to marry, whom would you choose? Reminder, gay marriage is now legal in New York.
J: You. Duh. Though that is not my official answer because it may cause you to obsess and I don’t want to be a dream crusher.
B: Isn’t it always the case where you want exactly what you can’t have.
J: You’re creeping me out Playa.
B: What is the most beautiful place in the world you’ve travelled?
J: Amed, Indonesia.
B: In your travel experience, has a chained-up baby monkey, ever tried to steal your bracelet?
J: Yes.
B: Would you pay $500 for the opportunity to have dinner with Martha Stewart?
J: No. I’d find much better uses for $500 dollars.
B: Summer or winter?
J: Summer – though you wouldn’t know it because I am lil b**** when it comes to really hot weather.
B: You cursed again.
B: The Situation or Vinny?
J: In what context?
B: Hansel or Gretel?
J: I don’t care.
B: Well, I guess they’ll both get eaten alive then.
A special thanks to Jenny who was a great sport, just like golf. I’m vaguely disappointed at her apathy towards the German brother and sister children.
I’m going to post this entry then listen to her reaction because she sits 15 feet away from me diagonally.
this was amazing.